AT Fears.

I was reading my friend’s blog about his adventures hiking the AT and for the first time I realized how terrified I am about doing this alone.
The reason I am terrified is because it means that I will have to step out on my own making my own connections with people. I won’t have anyone to fall back on when I am awkward and cannot think of anything to say. I won’t be able to have a friend start the conversation or make connections. It will just be me with my pack and my sleeping bag who is endearingly named Miguel.
I have never been one to not make friends easily…but it has always been because there was someone else nearby helping me feel comfortable and confident.
I will have to hold my own and be my own. And currently trying to make friends with my coworkers I realize how awkward I am and how timid I am…
I am afraid to face myself by facing other people out on the trail…alone.

This is a part of why I wanted to hike alone…and I know that this will be so good for me to finally grow up a little bit and learn to boldly be me and not hide behind someone else…but going outside your comfort zone is scary.

Conflict

I am working full time for a lumber company.
I find this ironic since I am hoping to spend 6 months living in the woods. I honestly kind of feel a moral dilemma in where I work. Some people at my job don't care about the eco system at all...and this makes me proud to have been nicknamed a tree hugger at my old job. If I am having a bad day I literally feel better when I touch a tree.

I have been making a lot of sacrifices for this AT trip. Moving from friends twice, moving in with my parents, working 2 jobs, and denying myself the possibility of a relationship...and several other factors have caused this to feel heavier...and now my car is shot. I could spend an additional 800 dollars with the 500 dollars I already had to just spend but the problem is my car is old and needs a lot of work...so I really need to get a new car and since I cannot afford to do that right now...and I shouldn't spend money to repair my car it means that now I cannot make the few planned trips I had to visit a few friends without spending a great deal more money then I planned with car rental or bus tickets. I am having a really hard time adjusting to this new blow because in general I am having a hard time being away from so many friends and now I feel like my decisions are affecting others. My friends mean the world to me and now I feel like I am making decisions that are hurting me and hurting other people. I can't get over that...the times I have with certain friends mean everything to me and missing those opportunities hurts so incredibly bad.

So do I keep on trekking on toward this goal? Wouldn't the wiser thing to just skip this and go to grad school or get a job that eventually will pay for my schooling?

I guess my question is how much do you give up or put up with to pursue your dreams?

I miss my friends. I miss the babies I worked with. I miss soccer and climbing...I miss just having a life...

And then I got a surprise gift from one of the sweetest girls I know...Kelly Reece...it was a buff to keep my head and neck warm for my trip.

And despite how hard this time in my life is and how much I am constantly double guessing myself on if I am making the "right" decision...I have been really blessed by people who have been supporting me and surprising me with encouragement and gifts. I have been so blessed by my family in helping me attempt this crazy feat with borrowing cars, getting me gear, and just being willing to support my journey.

Right now my heart is really hurting...but I have to remember that this is for a short time...and this will be a journey of a life time.

Thank you guys for listening and for putting up with my waspishness and my extreme emotions.

Some people have been asking me what is on my gear list still:

Possibly a gortex rain jacket but probably not lol
sleeping pad (I still have to figure out which one I want)
socks/liners
water pump system
maps
lots of food
a wide mouthed water bottle...

Well...that's all for now.

Christmas is coming...and birthday is coming.

I know this seems a bit ridiculous...but as Christmas approaches and friends and family ask me what I would like for Christmas...I would like to say that I am still in need of the following items for my adventure of hiking and would love my Christmas/birthday presents that anyone was wanting to give me to be helping me in my quest to acquire all the gear I need. So anyone still interested or trekking alone with my adventure...

Things left to purchase:

1) Wool socks
2) Neck warmer thing
3) Sock liners
4) Sleeping pad
5) Water filter
6) UV water filter pen
7) Lots of food
8) Gortex rain jacket
9) Gloves?
10) Hiking skirt?


It's crazy how much stuff I have and how much stuff there is still left to buy.

Being alone is not good.

So I thought that I was lonely when I was in Nashville...and then I moved to Williamsburg...most days I only interact with my parents and some people I serve and some of the people I work with...but other then my conversations with my parents...these interactions are short and unmeaningful...on some days I really just sit at home alone...watching documentaries about cults and drinking tea...I don't talk to anyone...


I know that this is not good because the more alone I am the more annoyed I get at people and their quirks...I get annoyed so easily because I am so selfish...the more I am alone the more I want things my way cause that is what I am used to...


I need community because without it I just become a grumpy old lady who is angry when school kids put their feet on my grass...


Sometimes I don't want people...I need them though.


I am really lonely. I really miss my friends...this is going to be a long journey...and it is going to be a really hard one...


I start my full time job this coming Monday...Red Lobster is probably going to let me work with them still...I hope I can still pick up some other part time jobs...


I joined the YMCA and have been lifting weights and swimming.


I don't know how to be alone...and after this journey...I don't want to be alone again.


That's all for now...


...also I just realized that Donald Miller talks about this concept and need of community in Blue Like Jazz...he was right...and I am doomed to selfish grumpiness unless I make some changes...but I don't see what can change for a few months...


it's a good read. You should read it...



The end.

Weekend Bliss...ters.

Hey everyone!!!

   So I got to get out on the trail last weekend for a couple of solo hiking days!!! It was amazing! 

I hiked about 3 miles of Friday night and set up camp in this beautiful fielded area on the top of a mountain range. I made some dinner there and enjoyed reading a little bit of 1984. (I am still in debate on whether I want to bring books on my hike or not...I didn't journal but I haven't been journaling for a while now...need to get on that). I didn't sleep very well the first night because of the wind...and kept waking up from dreams of bears being outside my tent or a man crawling in my tent...no zombie nightmares...I think I finally kicked that fear!!! But waking up in the morning and seeing the view and knowing that my day consisted of just hiking...wow it was a great day!!! 

Saturday I hiked near 11 miles...I filled up my water at a stream and ran into a couple who wanted to give me a trail name. I had been debating whether I wanted one...to be honest I do not want one...but I think it is a cultural thing I need to do! For the most part I was alone and fighting with myself to keep hiking on. I hiked past the planned camping spot cause I wanted to make sure I was going to make it back to the pick up spot on time Sunday...man I have never wanted to stop walking so badly in my life...but it was the best feeling to keep going! I finally set up camp (not sure it was a legal camping spot so I made dinner so fast and then crawled into my tent!!) I realized that night I did not like the book 1984 and that it is very hard to try to start getting ready for bed at 6!! Haha I didn't sleep that well either mostly cause it was cold and there was a tree creaking very close to me I imagined falling on me in my sleep hahaha! 

Sunday morning I woke up and broke camp in the coldest weather yet!!! I was freezing!! Too cold to bother with breakfast so after I packed up I just munched on a power bar while I walked...turned out I was only a mile away from my pick up spot...and then it was all over...I got in the car and drove back to Williamsburg to go to work...

sooo...turns out when you are carrying your pack that weighs over 40 pounds you will be more sore then you could ever imagine. I am still super sore even a week later! It is a wonderful experience! 

I realized that this is going to be a really hard and challenging adventure...but do I still want it?! YES!!!!!!

Just getting to focus only on hiking, eating, finding water, and finding a place to camp...well it is just what I need...I am more excited then ever...and more aware of what I am getting myself into...

Also as far as how much I have been able to save...well that answer is 0...my car has been having issues and I have now had to get 300 dollar health insurance and pay a ton of money for a chiropractor...I am feeling super discouraged and angry to be honest.

BUT I FINALLY GOT A FULL TIME JOB!!!! I am going to be working in a call center...and either working at J Crew part time or Red Lobster part time! Fingers crossed!!!!

I have started making stationary to try and start selling to raise some money...

Things I am learning that I need to give up:

1) Spending money on stupid small things like candy or drinks or what not...no more eating out

2) I have to give up something now if I want to be able to hike and I need to be serious about it now

3) Dating right now does not work...

ENJOY SOME PICTURES OF MY WEEKEND!!!

3 hour bawl session in my parents room...

Tonight I won't make mention of how much money I have saved...or don't have saved.

I won't make mention of my feelings.

I will note #4 or 5 of rules:

Stay positive. Which if you know me is one of the hardest things for me...I am a pessimist and a realist...and the two are a horrible mixture. I can't stop thinking either...my life feels like a horror version of chose your own ending. There are too many decisions that connect to the next decision and if you make the wrong one then you ruined the possible future...ah it is a mess...

I have thrown everything into this decision to hike the AT...and it is destroying me.

It will be a miracle for this to work out and every day that goes by that I don't have a full time job and am making money to save up I feel like it is impossible...and to have moved away from everyone and to a place you don't want to be just to see that dream slip away...well needless to say I am a wreck.

When I go for something I go all out...and sometimes that really hurts because things don't work out a lot of the time...especially when you are pursing living in the woods for 5 or so months.

What I want...I want things to work out. I want to hike the AT...get married...go to grad school to become a counselor...have babies. Just those things...lol I don't care if I am poor...I hope to live in a tiny house...I just don't care about much but those 4 things I do care about greatly...

I am too passionate...too cynical...too many things too much...but I guess what I can learn for now is to be positive...too not be crushed before I even had a chance to rejoice...

I want too much and too deeply.

But what can I be positive about?

1) I am living for free
2) I get to have homemade food often
3) I did get a job
4) My family is supportive and willing to help me and listen to me
5) I have friends who are willing to keep up with me and keep our friendship alive despite the distance between us.
6) I have most of the gear I need for the AT.
7) I at least have the opportunity to possibly achieve my dream...I guess having the potential chance is more then most people.

I really want to thank everyone for supporting me and helping me...I wanted to make a list until I realized it would take forever and basically be everyone.

OH 8) I got to facetime a deaf friend of mine from Red Lobster in Lynchburg cause I got to sign for guests at Red Lobster in Williamsburg who turned out to be my friend's relatives!!!! Small world!!! How quickly I forgot that in the bustle of worry and frustration.

Guys it is still looking so bleak...but gosh I want this so bad.

Into the Wild...fail.

So today I moved to Williamsburg, VA to live with my parents in order to save money to hike the AT. But the truth is that I have literally cried all day. I felt so much myself in DC and healthy and happy. I know it takes time to adjust...but I know no one and I can't find a co-ed soccer team to be on.


Remember how in the movie Into the Wild he realized that happiness was only real when it was shared. I guess I am having some major doubts about all of this...5 months in a place where I don't know anyone...and then 5 months in the woods...well that's a lot of time alone.

I feel like I did in Nashville...very alone and defeated. Maybe it will get better but I don't know if this is how I want to feel for the next 5 months. I didn't like it in Nashville...and I do not like it here...it's not where I want to be.

Maybe I am just not keeping my eye on the prize...but today I am really sad and don't want to be here.

Update: I have a second job interview with Red Lobster...
Feelings: sad, defeated, frustrated, lonely, pathetic.
Savings: That is all up in debate...I am hoping to have at least 500 still saved but I don't know.

To be honest I am feeling that all of this isn't worth it. Maybe I should have taken the job offer with Strayer and stayed in DC.

I felt so strong in DC...here I just feel defeated. I don't wanna work at Red Lobster or live at home with my parents...

I feel heavy all over again. I really need to push through this I know...

And so it begins...

I move to Williamsburg in about 6 days. It is pretty unbelievable. I have loved every minute of being back in NOVA and I am going to miss it like crazy. I have gotten to play a ton of soccer, rock climb, and catch up with dear friends, and make new ones. I also got to visit a REI today...oh it's probably best they won't have any new me in Williamsburg!!! I am a sucker for outdoor stores!!!

Feelings: Hopeful, excited, nervous, skeptical, and determined...UNPREPARED!!!

Savings: All of this is in questions but for now $700 ish.

I know that moving to Williamsburg is the best decision because I will be less distracted and more focused on preparing for my trip. It will be an incredibly lonely time...but I mean I guess so will living in the woods for like 6 months on my own. But as my friend put it...it's always what you make of it...and I intend to spend a lot of time preparing for my future...I know this next season is going to be really hard for me...so feel free to send me a ton of letters and emails and texts and phone calls :)

But today I bought my first set of hiking stuff: I bought a pair of zip off pants that zip off to have three different lengths....and I bought three hiking skirts! whoohooo hiking in style!!! And I bought a rope bracelet...maybe it will remind me to stay motivated...gah that store kills me. I really hope to not need to buy a ton of stuff...hopefully I can borrow a few things and then buy a nice sleeping bag and some good shoes.

I have a job interview with Red Lobster in Williamsburg...serving is fun and I have done it before so I can do it again! I will definitely need a second job and maybe a third one...so not out of the boiling pot yet.

It is all crazy. I am crazy.

Also today I realized I will never get over my fear of spiders...ug. How will I hike the AT?!!?

Also I am so behind on things I need to do...like get insurance...lol. I must stay healthy for a while lol.

That's all.

Trees For Days

...I am lonely. That's how I feel right now. And then I wonder...what happens when I wander out alone for 5 or 6 months. Can some kinds of being lonely be good while others are bad?

I am lonely for the things I want so badly but seem so far off. I want what seems impossible to have. And that is a very lonely place.

God seems to get in my way a lot I feel. Doesn't He know what I want...so why does He have to get in the way all the time.

Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself go through the struggle of what it means to have to have to become a new person. I want to be someone that I physically and emotionally cannot be. Is it because I feel guilty or is it because I am truly taken over by God?

I think that I over think...a lot. But life just doesn't seem so simple.

So give me trees for days :)

Rules

This Friday will mark 3 weeks since I left Nashville. Crazy. 

Feelings: still terrified, trying to be strong but feeling super fragile. 

Top 3 fears: 1) not being able to save the money to hike 2) getting sidetracked 3) really it's just the money thing.

Current status with job and living: I was offered a potential position for a great job at Strayer University with full benefits but I had to decline because I would have had to make the decision to not hike the AT in the next year or so...I couldn't do that. I did have another interview but because of me hiking I could only be offered a part time non benefitted position and I just couldn't offered to take it. So I am still jobless. I am working really hard doing work around my brother and sister in laws house...but am slacking on the hours...apparently manual labour is exhausting!!! And the truth is that I have been so distracted and busy I haven't spent much time applying to other jobs. But at this point I do not foresee being able to stay in the DC area. Even if I got two jobs I wouldn't be able to afford the cost of living in the light of having to deal with my insanely high medical insurance and other bills...wouldn't be saving enough money. I would be insanely sad to leave...mostly cause I want to keep playing soccer and so far I have been able to play twice a week here ;)...but I have been praying that what is right and best for me would happen...and I am beginning to think that the best thing for me in all regards would be to go live with my parents. I haven't had a chance to even look into graduate schools and studying for the GRE...

Current desire: I have been really overwhelmed with how much I want God...I don't want to be pushed and I need time to come to Him on my own and coming just to Him...and I cannot wait to escape into the woods and have that time. 

Total Saving: Ehhh all of that is in debate right now with having to pay off a bunch of bills and loans and stuff with my car...needless to say I am discouraged and stressed out.

Here are the rules of the game: 

1) No complaining.

I feel overwhelmed with trying to find jobs while balancing trying to find a place to live for very cheap. I need to tie up ends in Nashville and study for the GRE and apply for Grad schools while preparing for the hike...knowing it may not get to happen if I can't get the money to take care of everything. All that to say it is hard to not complain but NO COMPLAINING cause I have made decisions to work toward my dreams and it is not an easy path but it is worth it...I just feel timid and overwhelmed. But if I want to get through the AT and live's craziness then no complaining!!! 

2) Cannot be afraid of anything.

This includes zombies, spiders, the dark, being alone, clowns, bears, ticks, water, creepers, etc

For this to be possible I have to be strong and I cannot be afraid of everything especially if the fear is irrational. Stupid scary movies. NO MORE SCARY MOVIES...with the exception of World War Z. 

3) Be bold.

I must be outgoing and not stand back feeling awkward. I need to speak up and I need to stick to myself and not conforming to other people and what they believe and what they want. I have to...I want to meet people on the trail and become something...I can't do it if I am too afraid of being awkward or I want to just hide in the back and be forgotten. I have to get out there and grab life by the horns!!!

4) STOP SPENDING MONEY!!!...learn to scrimp on everything!!!!

But now that I just looked at my money situation and the things I have to get accomplished I am going to go work like a maniac at my brother's house. So till next time...

Day 1-4

I am now living with my fourth cat. 

Hello friends and family!

   Today is the start of my adventure. I have been too caught up in the whirlwind of moving to realize what I just got myself into. 

Current Feeling: Terrified. 

Current Savings: $200

I forgot what it was like to not be in one's own home. Last summer around this exact time I spent a few months jumping from house to house. And here I am…lying in bed at my brother and sister-in-law's house. I will be here for a few weeks doing stuff around their house…I will be looking for places to stay and work. I have no idea what is going to happen…hence I am terrified. 

I wonder as I tiptoe around the house feeling so awkward and out of place and so afraid to make my presence known…do we do that with God? Feeling so ridiculous and ashamed that we can't embrace and enjoy what has been given to us. 

I am terrified because I don't have a job and I don't have a place to live. I just put all my life in my car (well minus the stuff that is in other people's houses) and here I am in DC to work for my brother and his wife who are awesome and helping me out…but I don't know what's next. I don't know where I will live next or where I will work. If I can't find a place for free or cheap then I won't be staying here…and I am okay with whatever happens…but what if it doesn't happen for me to be able to do this.

I am terrified because I don't want to be irresponsible or mooch off of people. I am almost 27 years old. And here I am…in a position that for one of my biggest dreams to be possible I have to rely on others to help me. I am willing to work my butt off and I intend to do just that…I know that what I am doing seems so stupid and so not the practical thing.

But here is the reasons that I am trying to fulfill my goal to hike the AT:

1) Do you know the feeling of you were made to do something…well that is how I feel about the AT. I feel like it is something I was made to do! Like it is something I am supposed to do. Being outside in nature is where I feel most alive and connected to God…and I always wanted to go to boot camp because I just wanted the challenge…I wanted to know that I was tough enough to make it…haha the AT is ten times better than boot camp :)

2) Going back to feeling like it is something I am supposed to do…I really feel like this is not taking a side step in my life but really is a part of going forward in pursuing my fullest potential and purpose in life! The AT is a place full of people in all walks of life walking for a myriad of reasons. I love people and I desire so much to impact people and know them and show love. I will learn how to be a better and stronger listener and have to learn to get to know people and on my own become bold and be able to meet people and be exactly who I am. I want to impact and be impacted by people that I never would come in contact with in a context that only a few people will ever get the opportunity to do. I feel like this is a key part of my journey of this life!

3) The opportunity to have alone time and complete soaking in nature to be able to clear away all of the confusion and chaos and distraction and seek God and seek out myself fully. I honestly believe that this is something that my heart, mind, and soul needs. And I believe that God will meet me here. That my relationship with God will be strengthened and mended. I feel like this is the best thing for my relationship with God…and that alone is good enough a reason to be doing this despite how crazy it may seem or truly be. 

4) This has been one of my biggest dreams and goals…and as life continues and more and more responsibilities arise. The opportunity to do this will be less available. I hope to go to graduate school soon and with more loans to come it would be nearly impossible for this adventure to happen again. 

5) I want to learn what only an experience like this can teach me. I want a life that is as different as this experience will be. I want to be someone and reach people that only this experience can shape me into and help me meet those people. 

I have been living apart from my dreams, goals, design, and purpose over the last few years. I graduated from college knowing I wanted to go back to grad school and get my masters. I wanted to do family and marriage counseling. I wanted to work with broken people that were not the norm. I wanted a life that was far from mundane. Since graduating I have done so few of those things. I am been so consumed with my loans and making the practical decision and trying to put my faith back together as it seems to have shattered completely during my senior year of college. I have been unhappy the last few years because I am not doing what I love and feel made to do. I have been moving in the opposite direction of who I am and what I feel I am really supposed to do. I have been trying to be practical and do things that make sense…but I have felt more and more miserable. I don't feel like I am being me nor am I doing what I am designed to do…so here I am. I moved from Nashville to VA and am living with my brother and his wife doing some work for them while i look for a job and a place to live…

I want this adventure to be able to happen so bad…and then go back to grad school!!! 

…Skip ahead to day 4 and I am feeling a lot better and it feels so wonderful to be back and to be playing soccer and hanging out with old friends and making new ones. I think I truly feel more at home here in the North…but truth be told…while I love power washing and cleaning and odd jobs…I am feeling more and more anxious about getting a job and a place to live. I am extremely overwhelmed and in major need of budgeting skills. 

So if you have any thoughts, ideas, places for me to live, jobs for me, or soccer games I can come play at that would be great. Thanks for stopping in my world.