Humbled

About to head back out on the trail...

The truth is that I am nervous and a huge part of me doesn't want to go back out there. I am scared. I am scared of the dark and of being alone and of bad things happening...it's been so nice to be here in Nashville with good friends...but I know still that I have a lot of growing to do...I have an adventure I need to go on. I am trying to grow and stretch and become something more than I am...and that is hard and scary in general...add some woods and a ton of strangers and lots of time alone...and a lot of pain...it just makes it really hard.

So there is the truth. The truth is that I am scared and don't want to go back out...but at the same time I am so ready to go back out and be in the woods...and I am gonna see how far I can get...taking it easy and just learning to relax...I am too paranoid and too panicky.

I still get scared in my room at night in my house...so clearly the woods alone is the best place for me...but I am craving the beauty and the quiet...

...I will go back out there tomorrow afternoon...knowing the truth in me is that I want to be comfortable...I don't want a lot...just strawberries, toilets, and a place to wash my hands. I like being comfortable. I am used to it...but the whole point is I want to learn to enjoy not being comfortable. And that is not also the easiest and most enjoyable thing...

One day I would like to be like a rocking chair...but for now I kinda of need to be like a...a three legged stool. Not so sturdy and not so comfortable...

I AM GOING ON AN ADVENTURE

Hey!

I meant to write something a long time ago...I just have been so busy and overwhelmed planning for this trip.

Regrets: 1)bulking up but not doing cardio...haha 2)being in such a bad mood and being so stressed out and letting my emotions get the best of me to not fully enjoy and get my parents in on my planning. I hope you guys are reading this...I love you a lot and I am so grateful for what you have done to help me...maybe one day I can get my words/feelings and my actions to actually connect.

So I have about 3,600 dollars in my account thanks to sweet gifts from wonderful friends...

I had to delay my trip by a few days and then another whole day so my itinerary is going to be off a little bit.

To be honest I am really overwhelmed and nervous...but excited...but I know the first few weeks are going to be really rough...the last few months have been rough and I can't tell if that is a good thing for my trip or not...

Good news: I got my pack weight down to 30 pounds with two things of water and about 4-5 days worth of food.

My tent is starting to worry me cause it is big and kind of annoying but its about the only thing I can do to reduce my pack weight down more...thanks to my millions of medicines I kinda have to have they are pretty heavy...but I really want a tent cause I think I am going to need my little safe and quiet space...

I am beginning to be nervous that there won't be a ton of people around...I kinda feel like I need some...but wasn't the point of why I wanted to go alone so I wouldn't feel so much in need of people??

I wish I had been less scatter brained and had more time to really write all my thoughts...but to be honest I don't think  my thoughts would work with me to write...

So I love you all and will miss you guys!!! Here are some fun pictures of the day before I left!!!

"Places Everyone"

There is nothing quite like the pride of jumping in the ocean in 32 degree weather for the 4th year in a row.

And there is nothing more humbling than getting asked a ton of questions about my hike that I couldn't even begin to answer.

So fast forward to 2 weeks of strep throat and $3000 dollars saved up so far for my trip thanks to several incredible gifts from friends and here I am sitting here feeling pretty shaky. I am being reminded of how I am not a very good organizer or planner and would prefer to just walk out into the woods and see what happens...but my brother can attest to the fact that I would probably starve since I would probably just take a handful of granola bars and say "let's hit the trail"!

See this cannot be one of those moments where I get excited at how I will lose weight and get super fit...cause I need to accept the reality that my mind so often fails to portray my body correctly...I cannot afford to wander into the woods as I am currently armed with a few granola bars. I need to gain weight now and I need to be diligent in planning my trip in order to complete it in time and plan to have enough food to keep me alive and well on the trail.

And this is just one of the many things I need to get together before I hit the trail for 6 months.

Another thing I need to do is learn how to be stingy with my money without having a panic attack every time (and often) something comes up and I have to dish out more money (always for medical stuff) as if money were my ventilator keeping me alive. Every bit of money I earn right now is extremely precious to me. I feel like Bilbo having to leave the ring for Frodo when he leaves the Shire (it is excruciating) every time I have to pay a bill or go to the doctor...AGAIN...

I will earn what I earn before I go and I will deal with that when I get there...

I will accept that when I get off the trail I will be the most broke I have ever been in my life with no car, job, or place to live with bills that need to be paid.

I have been rather spacey lately and I suppose I am realizing that there is a lot to do and a lot to mentally process before I leave...

So add this to the normal hurricane of thoughts that I deal with daily (God, church, faith, love, relationships, family, failures, dreams, guilt,  keeping myself from looking mental, not being a jerk to everyone around me cause my thoughts are consuming too much space for other people to interrupt)...and to say the least I am overwhelmed. But very very thankful...

I had an excruciating day at work the other day and I had to go outside and walk the little path behind my office building...I had to get out and just touch a tree...I know it sounds weird but when I get overwhelmed or I am sad if I touch a tree I feel better...calmer...sane...I think I must have some weird connection with feeling and feelings (hahaha get it? okay I think it's funny)...anyway I realized that if everything works out as planned I will get to have 6 months of time to touch as many trees as I want...and one can only hope that this will bring sanity to me...I mean I almost dropped out senior year of college to go hike cause I felt like I was going to lose my sanity...this hike is perhaps long overdue...

...and I really want to make it out alive...I mean obviously right...but I mean I really want to see what happens as a result of this trip...maybe nothing significant or drastic will change...and I am prepared for that...but I am hopeful that something will change inside me...I need to change...I need to go or stay (figuratively) and maybe this will give me time to decide what to do and give me the freedom to figure that out. (thoughts for a different blog)

A friend just recently told me that I was like that guy from Into the Wild...and maybe in a way I am...but it kind of made me sad...I guess I realized that I was going to be hurting people to do this...and that I already had..."so as long as you don't die in a bus somewhere I guess I am happy for you" my friend said.

So to pull together my sanity I will state a few things I am so excited about:

1) no cubicle
2) no make up, deodorant, nail polish, mirrors, etc
3) no tv/media
4) trees for days
5) plenty of dirt and very little showers

And in the face of reality the things I am afraid of:

1) Being constantly afraid
2) Being stranded and delayed due to figuring out how to get into towns or not
3) Getting sick or hurt and having to come home shortly after starting (I get sick all the time...alllll the time)

I have to do the whole thing...I have to. I will...I am going to try so hard...

Fears

So my current savings is $1,29.13.

I just need $6,000 dollars more by the end of March...a breeze right?

I was so lavished with gifts this Christmas to fulfill so much of my needed gear for my trip. I got a waterproof Bible, an amazing sleeping pad, a goretex jacket, socks, sock liners, gloves, financial help, etc! I am so grateful.

I just need a few more things now...it's crazy to think that I am almost all set!

Lately I have been having a lot of fears about my hike. I think I am realizing how bold and assertive I must be...I am not good at this, but I am really excited to learn these lessons.

I couldn't sleep last night and I realized that I will probably have so many sleepless nights in which I will lie awake terrified at every sound I hear.

I do not want to live in fear and I will enjoy this experience for everything it has to offer everyday I get to enjoy it!

Another thing I realized I am worried about how I will get into town...I do not want to hitchhike alone but I wonder if this is going to be hard...

My friend asked me what I was thinking the AT would be for me...I guess for once I am imagining it will be a million things but also realizing it could be non of what I think. I don't know what it will be...but I think I am getting more afraid as it get's close...and more determined that it is the right thing!

I am very afraid of the damage it will cause to my already hatefulness toward sitting stuck in an office doing a job that I care absolutely nothing about...if walking outside during my lunch break is the one thing that keeps my sanity...how will 6 months of sanity effect my insanity indoors?!!?

I am concerned about money for my trip and after...and really frustrated lately about having to pay for more doctors visits for issues I am having and for the cost of medicine always making me frustrated...

But I am more determined to not give up...after all that I have sacrificed and put up with...there is no turning back...and I am excited and yet terrified!

AT Fears.

I was reading my friend’s blog about his adventures hiking the AT and for the first time I realized how terrified I am about doing this alone.
The reason I am terrified is because it means that I will have to step out on my own making my own connections with people. I won’t have anyone to fall back on when I am awkward and cannot think of anything to say. I won’t be able to have a friend start the conversation or make connections. It will just be me with my pack and my sleeping bag who is endearingly named Miguel.
I have never been one to not make friends easily…but it has always been because there was someone else nearby helping me feel comfortable and confident.
I will have to hold my own and be my own. And currently trying to make friends with my coworkers I realize how awkward I am and how timid I am…
I am afraid to face myself by facing other people out on the trail…alone.

This is a part of why I wanted to hike alone…and I know that this will be so good for me to finally grow up a little bit and learn to boldly be me and not hide behind someone else…but going outside your comfort zone is scary.

Conflict

I am working full time for a lumber company.
I find this ironic since I am hoping to spend 6 months living in the woods. I honestly kind of feel a moral dilemma in where I work. Some people at my job don't care about the eco system at all...and this makes me proud to have been nicknamed a tree hugger at my old job. If I am having a bad day I literally feel better when I touch a tree.

I have been making a lot of sacrifices for this AT trip. Moving from friends twice, moving in with my parents, working 2 jobs, and denying myself the possibility of a relationship...and several other factors have caused this to feel heavier...and now my car is shot. I could spend an additional 800 dollars with the 500 dollars I already had to just spend but the problem is my car is old and needs a lot of work...so I really need to get a new car and since I cannot afford to do that right now...and I shouldn't spend money to repair my car it means that now I cannot make the few planned trips I had to visit a few friends without spending a great deal more money then I planned with car rental or bus tickets. I am having a really hard time adjusting to this new blow because in general I am having a hard time being away from so many friends and now I feel like my decisions are affecting others. My friends mean the world to me and now I feel like I am making decisions that are hurting me and hurting other people. I can't get over that...the times I have with certain friends mean everything to me and missing those opportunities hurts so incredibly bad.

So do I keep on trekking on toward this goal? Wouldn't the wiser thing to just skip this and go to grad school or get a job that eventually will pay for my schooling?

I guess my question is how much do you give up or put up with to pursue your dreams?

I miss my friends. I miss the babies I worked with. I miss soccer and climbing...I miss just having a life...

And then I got a surprise gift from one of the sweetest girls I know...Kelly Reece...it was a buff to keep my head and neck warm for my trip.

And despite how hard this time in my life is and how much I am constantly double guessing myself on if I am making the "right" decision...I have been really blessed by people who have been supporting me and surprising me with encouragement and gifts. I have been so blessed by my family in helping me attempt this crazy feat with borrowing cars, getting me gear, and just being willing to support my journey.

Right now my heart is really hurting...but I have to remember that this is for a short time...and this will be a journey of a life time.

Thank you guys for listening and for putting up with my waspishness and my extreme emotions.

Some people have been asking me what is on my gear list still:

Possibly a gortex rain jacket but probably not lol
sleeping pad (I still have to figure out which one I want)
socks/liners
water pump system
maps
lots of food
a wide mouthed water bottle...

Well...that's all for now.

Christmas is coming...and birthday is coming.

I know this seems a bit ridiculous...but as Christmas approaches and friends and family ask me what I would like for Christmas...I would like to say that I am still in need of the following items for my adventure of hiking and would love my Christmas/birthday presents that anyone was wanting to give me to be helping me in my quest to acquire all the gear I need. So anyone still interested or trekking alone with my adventure...

Things left to purchase:

1) Wool socks
2) Neck warmer thing
3) Sock liners
4) Sleeping pad
5) Water filter
6) UV water filter pen
7) Lots of food
8) Gortex rain jacket
9) Gloves?
10) Hiking skirt?


It's crazy how much stuff I have and how much stuff there is still left to buy.