And so it begins...

I move to Williamsburg in about 6 days. It is pretty unbelievable. I have loved every minute of being back in NOVA and I am going to miss it like crazy. I have gotten to play a ton of soccer, rock climb, and catch up with dear friends, and make new ones. I also got to visit a REI today...oh it's probably best they won't have any new me in Williamsburg!!! I am a sucker for outdoor stores!!!

Feelings: Hopeful, excited, nervous, skeptical, and determined...UNPREPARED!!!

Savings: All of this is in questions but for now $700 ish.

I know that moving to Williamsburg is the best decision because I will be less distracted and more focused on preparing for my trip. It will be an incredibly lonely time...but I mean I guess so will living in the woods for like 6 months on my own. But as my friend put it...it's always what you make of it...and I intend to spend a lot of time preparing for my future...I know this next season is going to be really hard for me...so feel free to send me a ton of letters and emails and texts and phone calls :)

But today I bought my first set of hiking stuff: I bought a pair of zip off pants that zip off to have three different lengths....and I bought three hiking skirts! whoohooo hiking in style!!! And I bought a rope bracelet...maybe it will remind me to stay motivated...gah that store kills me. I really hope to not need to buy a ton of stuff...hopefully I can borrow a few things and then buy a nice sleeping bag and some good shoes.

I have a job interview with Red Lobster in Williamsburg...serving is fun and I have done it before so I can do it again! I will definitely need a second job and maybe a third one...so not out of the boiling pot yet.

It is all crazy. I am crazy.

Also today I realized I will never get over my fear of spiders...ug. How will I hike the AT?!!?

Also I am so behind on things I need to do...like get insurance...lol. I must stay healthy for a while lol.

That's all.

Trees For Days

...I am lonely. That's how I feel right now. And then I wonder...what happens when I wander out alone for 5 or 6 months. Can some kinds of being lonely be good while others are bad?

I am lonely for the things I want so badly but seem so far off. I want what seems impossible to have. And that is a very lonely place.

God seems to get in my way a lot I feel. Doesn't He know what I want...so why does He have to get in the way all the time.

Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself go through the struggle of what it means to have to have to become a new person. I want to be someone that I physically and emotionally cannot be. Is it because I feel guilty or is it because I am truly taken over by God?

I think that I over think...a lot. But life just doesn't seem so simple.

So give me trees for days :)

Rules

This Friday will mark 3 weeks since I left Nashville. Crazy. 

Feelings: still terrified, trying to be strong but feeling super fragile. 

Top 3 fears: 1) not being able to save the money to hike 2) getting sidetracked 3) really it's just the money thing.

Current status with job and living: I was offered a potential position for a great job at Strayer University with full benefits but I had to decline because I would have had to make the decision to not hike the AT in the next year or so...I couldn't do that. I did have another interview but because of me hiking I could only be offered a part time non benefitted position and I just couldn't offered to take it. So I am still jobless. I am working really hard doing work around my brother and sister in laws house...but am slacking on the hours...apparently manual labour is exhausting!!! And the truth is that I have been so distracted and busy I haven't spent much time applying to other jobs. But at this point I do not foresee being able to stay in the DC area. Even if I got two jobs I wouldn't be able to afford the cost of living in the light of having to deal with my insanely high medical insurance and other bills...wouldn't be saving enough money. I would be insanely sad to leave...mostly cause I want to keep playing soccer and so far I have been able to play twice a week here ;)...but I have been praying that what is right and best for me would happen...and I am beginning to think that the best thing for me in all regards would be to go live with my parents. I haven't had a chance to even look into graduate schools and studying for the GRE...

Current desire: I have been really overwhelmed with how much I want God...I don't want to be pushed and I need time to come to Him on my own and coming just to Him...and I cannot wait to escape into the woods and have that time. 

Total Saving: Ehhh all of that is in debate right now with having to pay off a bunch of bills and loans and stuff with my car...needless to say I am discouraged and stressed out.

Here are the rules of the game: 

1) No complaining.

I feel overwhelmed with trying to find jobs while balancing trying to find a place to live for very cheap. I need to tie up ends in Nashville and study for the GRE and apply for Grad schools while preparing for the hike...knowing it may not get to happen if I can't get the money to take care of everything. All that to say it is hard to not complain but NO COMPLAINING cause I have made decisions to work toward my dreams and it is not an easy path but it is worth it...I just feel timid and overwhelmed. But if I want to get through the AT and live's craziness then no complaining!!! 

2) Cannot be afraid of anything.

This includes zombies, spiders, the dark, being alone, clowns, bears, ticks, water, creepers, etc

For this to be possible I have to be strong and I cannot be afraid of everything especially if the fear is irrational. Stupid scary movies. NO MORE SCARY MOVIES...with the exception of World War Z. 

3) Be bold.

I must be outgoing and not stand back feeling awkward. I need to speak up and I need to stick to myself and not conforming to other people and what they believe and what they want. I have to...I want to meet people on the trail and become something...I can't do it if I am too afraid of being awkward or I want to just hide in the back and be forgotten. I have to get out there and grab life by the horns!!!

4) STOP SPENDING MONEY!!!...learn to scrimp on everything!!!!

But now that I just looked at my money situation and the things I have to get accomplished I am going to go work like a maniac at my brother's house. So till next time...

Day 1-4

I am now living with my fourth cat. 

Hello friends and family!

   Today is the start of my adventure. I have been too caught up in the whirlwind of moving to realize what I just got myself into. 

Current Feeling: Terrified. 

Current Savings: $200

I forgot what it was like to not be in one's own home. Last summer around this exact time I spent a few months jumping from house to house. And here I am…lying in bed at my brother and sister-in-law's house. I will be here for a few weeks doing stuff around their house…I will be looking for places to stay and work. I have no idea what is going to happen…hence I am terrified. 

I wonder as I tiptoe around the house feeling so awkward and out of place and so afraid to make my presence known…do we do that with God? Feeling so ridiculous and ashamed that we can't embrace and enjoy what has been given to us. 

I am terrified because I don't have a job and I don't have a place to live. I just put all my life in my car (well minus the stuff that is in other people's houses) and here I am in DC to work for my brother and his wife who are awesome and helping me out…but I don't know what's next. I don't know where I will live next or where I will work. If I can't find a place for free or cheap then I won't be staying here…and I am okay with whatever happens…but what if it doesn't happen for me to be able to do this.

I am terrified because I don't want to be irresponsible or mooch off of people. I am almost 27 years old. And here I am…in a position that for one of my biggest dreams to be possible I have to rely on others to help me. I am willing to work my butt off and I intend to do just that…I know that what I am doing seems so stupid and so not the practical thing.

But here is the reasons that I am trying to fulfill my goal to hike the AT:

1) Do you know the feeling of you were made to do something…well that is how I feel about the AT. I feel like it is something I was made to do! Like it is something I am supposed to do. Being outside in nature is where I feel most alive and connected to God…and I always wanted to go to boot camp because I just wanted the challenge…I wanted to know that I was tough enough to make it…haha the AT is ten times better than boot camp :)

2) Going back to feeling like it is something I am supposed to do…I really feel like this is not taking a side step in my life but really is a part of going forward in pursuing my fullest potential and purpose in life! The AT is a place full of people in all walks of life walking for a myriad of reasons. I love people and I desire so much to impact people and know them and show love. I will learn how to be a better and stronger listener and have to learn to get to know people and on my own become bold and be able to meet people and be exactly who I am. I want to impact and be impacted by people that I never would come in contact with in a context that only a few people will ever get the opportunity to do. I feel like this is a key part of my journey of this life!

3) The opportunity to have alone time and complete soaking in nature to be able to clear away all of the confusion and chaos and distraction and seek God and seek out myself fully. I honestly believe that this is something that my heart, mind, and soul needs. And I believe that God will meet me here. That my relationship with God will be strengthened and mended. I feel like this is the best thing for my relationship with God…and that alone is good enough a reason to be doing this despite how crazy it may seem or truly be. 

4) This has been one of my biggest dreams and goals…and as life continues and more and more responsibilities arise. The opportunity to do this will be less available. I hope to go to graduate school soon and with more loans to come it would be nearly impossible for this adventure to happen again. 

5) I want to learn what only an experience like this can teach me. I want a life that is as different as this experience will be. I want to be someone and reach people that only this experience can shape me into and help me meet those people. 

I have been living apart from my dreams, goals, design, and purpose over the last few years. I graduated from college knowing I wanted to go back to grad school and get my masters. I wanted to do family and marriage counseling. I wanted to work with broken people that were not the norm. I wanted a life that was far from mundane. Since graduating I have done so few of those things. I am been so consumed with my loans and making the practical decision and trying to put my faith back together as it seems to have shattered completely during my senior year of college. I have been unhappy the last few years because I am not doing what I love and feel made to do. I have been moving in the opposite direction of who I am and what I feel I am really supposed to do. I have been trying to be practical and do things that make sense…but I have felt more and more miserable. I don't feel like I am being me nor am I doing what I am designed to do…so here I am. I moved from Nashville to VA and am living with my brother and his wife doing some work for them while i look for a job and a place to live…

I want this adventure to be able to happen so bad…and then go back to grad school!!! 

…Skip ahead to day 4 and I am feeling a lot better and it feels so wonderful to be back and to be playing soccer and hanging out with old friends and making new ones. I think I truly feel more at home here in the North…but truth be told…while I love power washing and cleaning and odd jobs…I am feeling more and more anxious about getting a job and a place to live. I am extremely overwhelmed and in major need of budgeting skills. 

So if you have any thoughts, ideas, places for me to live, jobs for me, or soccer games I can come play at that would be great. Thanks for stopping in my world.