3 hour bawl session in my parents room...

Tonight I won't make mention of how much money I have saved...or don't have saved.

I won't make mention of my feelings.

I will note #4 or 5 of rules:

Stay positive. Which if you know me is one of the hardest things for me...I am a pessimist and a realist...and the two are a horrible mixture. I can't stop thinking either...my life feels like a horror version of chose your own ending. There are too many decisions that connect to the next decision and if you make the wrong one then you ruined the possible future...ah it is a mess...

I have thrown everything into this decision to hike the AT...and it is destroying me.

It will be a miracle for this to work out and every day that goes by that I don't have a full time job and am making money to save up I feel like it is impossible...and to have moved away from everyone and to a place you don't want to be just to see that dream slip away...well needless to say I am a wreck.

When I go for something I go all out...and sometimes that really hurts because things don't work out a lot of the time...especially when you are pursing living in the woods for 5 or so months.

What I want...I want things to work out. I want to hike the AT...get married...go to grad school to become a counselor...have babies. Just those things...lol I don't care if I am poor...I hope to live in a tiny house...I just don't care about much but those 4 things I do care about greatly...

I am too passionate...too cynical...too many things too much...but I guess what I can learn for now is to be positive...too not be crushed before I even had a chance to rejoice...

I want too much and too deeply.

But what can I be positive about?

1) I am living for free
2) I get to have homemade food often
3) I did get a job
4) My family is supportive and willing to help me and listen to me
5) I have friends who are willing to keep up with me and keep our friendship alive despite the distance between us.
6) I have most of the gear I need for the AT.
7) I at least have the opportunity to possibly achieve my dream...I guess having the potential chance is more then most people.

I really want to thank everyone for supporting me and helping me...I wanted to make a list until I realized it would take forever and basically be everyone.

OH 8) I got to facetime a deaf friend of mine from Red Lobster in Lynchburg cause I got to sign for guests at Red Lobster in Williamsburg who turned out to be my friend's relatives!!!! Small world!!! How quickly I forgot that in the bustle of worry and frustration.

Guys it is still looking so bleak...but gosh I want this so bad.

Into the Wild...fail.

So today I moved to Williamsburg, VA to live with my parents in order to save money to hike the AT. But the truth is that I have literally cried all day. I felt so much myself in DC and healthy and happy. I know it takes time to adjust...but I know no one and I can't find a co-ed soccer team to be on.


Remember how in the movie Into the Wild he realized that happiness was only real when it was shared. I guess I am having some major doubts about all of this...5 months in a place where I don't know anyone...and then 5 months in the woods...well that's a lot of time alone.

I feel like I did in Nashville...very alone and defeated. Maybe it will get better but I don't know if this is how I want to feel for the next 5 months. I didn't like it in Nashville...and I do not like it here...it's not where I want to be.

Maybe I am just not keeping my eye on the prize...but today I am really sad and don't want to be here.

Update: I have a second job interview with Red Lobster...
Feelings: sad, defeated, frustrated, lonely, pathetic.
Savings: That is all up in debate...I am hoping to have at least 500 still saved but I don't know.

To be honest I am feeling that all of this isn't worth it. Maybe I should have taken the job offer with Strayer and stayed in DC.

I felt so strong in DC...here I just feel defeated. I don't wanna work at Red Lobster or live at home with my parents...

I feel heavy all over again. I really need to push through this I know...