3 hour bawl session in my parents room...

Tonight I won't make mention of how much money I have saved...or don't have saved.

I won't make mention of my feelings.

I will note #4 or 5 of rules:

Stay positive. Which if you know me is one of the hardest things for me...I am a pessimist and a realist...and the two are a horrible mixture. I can't stop thinking either...my life feels like a horror version of chose your own ending. There are too many decisions that connect to the next decision and if you make the wrong one then you ruined the possible future...ah it is a mess...

I have thrown everything into this decision to hike the AT...and it is destroying me.

It will be a miracle for this to work out and every day that goes by that I don't have a full time job and am making money to save up I feel like it is impossible...and to have moved away from everyone and to a place you don't want to be just to see that dream slip away...well needless to say I am a wreck.

When I go for something I go all out...and sometimes that really hurts because things don't work out a lot of the time...especially when you are pursing living in the woods for 5 or so months.

What I want...I want things to work out. I want to hike the AT...get married...go to grad school to become a counselor...have babies. Just those things...lol I don't care if I am poor...I hope to live in a tiny house...I just don't care about much but those 4 things I do care about greatly...

I am too passionate...too cynical...too many things too much...but I guess what I can learn for now is to be positive...too not be crushed before I even had a chance to rejoice...

I want too much and too deeply.

But what can I be positive about?

1) I am living for free
2) I get to have homemade food often
3) I did get a job
4) My family is supportive and willing to help me and listen to me
5) I have friends who are willing to keep up with me and keep our friendship alive despite the distance between us.
6) I have most of the gear I need for the AT.
7) I at least have the opportunity to possibly achieve my dream...I guess having the potential chance is more then most people.

I really want to thank everyone for supporting me and helping me...I wanted to make a list until I realized it would take forever and basically be everyone.

OH 8) I got to facetime a deaf friend of mine from Red Lobster in Lynchburg cause I got to sign for guests at Red Lobster in Williamsburg who turned out to be my friend's relatives!!!! Small world!!! How quickly I forgot that in the bustle of worry and frustration.

Guys it is still looking so bleak...but gosh I want this so bad.