"Places Everyone"

There is nothing quite like the pride of jumping in the ocean in 32 degree weather for the 4th year in a row.

And there is nothing more humbling than getting asked a ton of questions about my hike that I couldn't even begin to answer.

So fast forward to 2 weeks of strep throat and $3000 dollars saved up so far for my trip thanks to several incredible gifts from friends and here I am sitting here feeling pretty shaky. I am being reminded of how I am not a very good organizer or planner and would prefer to just walk out into the woods and see what happens...but my brother can attest to the fact that I would probably starve since I would probably just take a handful of granola bars and say "let's hit the trail"!

See this cannot be one of those moments where I get excited at how I will lose weight and get super fit...cause I need to accept the reality that my mind so often fails to portray my body correctly...I cannot afford to wander into the woods as I am currently armed with a few granola bars. I need to gain weight now and I need to be diligent in planning my trip in order to complete it in time and plan to have enough food to keep me alive and well on the trail.

And this is just one of the many things I need to get together before I hit the trail for 6 months.

Another thing I need to do is learn how to be stingy with my money without having a panic attack every time (and often) something comes up and I have to dish out more money (always for medical stuff) as if money were my ventilator keeping me alive. Every bit of money I earn right now is extremely precious to me. I feel like Bilbo having to leave the ring for Frodo when he leaves the Shire (it is excruciating) every time I have to pay a bill or go to the doctor...AGAIN...

I will earn what I earn before I go and I will deal with that when I get there...

I will accept that when I get off the trail I will be the most broke I have ever been in my life with no car, job, or place to live with bills that need to be paid.

I have been rather spacey lately and I suppose I am realizing that there is a lot to do and a lot to mentally process before I leave...

So add this to the normal hurricane of thoughts that I deal with daily (God, church, faith, love, relationships, family, failures, dreams, guilt,  keeping myself from looking mental, not being a jerk to everyone around me cause my thoughts are consuming too much space for other people to interrupt)...and to say the least I am overwhelmed. But very very thankful...

I had an excruciating day at work the other day and I had to go outside and walk the little path behind my office building...I had to get out and just touch a tree...I know it sounds weird but when I get overwhelmed or I am sad if I touch a tree I feel better...calmer...sane...I think I must have some weird connection with feeling and feelings (hahaha get it? okay I think it's funny)...anyway I realized that if everything works out as planned I will get to have 6 months of time to touch as many trees as I want...and one can only hope that this will bring sanity to me...I mean I almost dropped out senior year of college to go hike cause I felt like I was going to lose my sanity...this hike is perhaps long overdue...

...and I really want to make it out alive...I mean obviously right...but I mean I really want to see what happens as a result of this trip...maybe nothing significant or drastic will change...and I am prepared for that...but I am hopeful that something will change inside me...I need to change...I need to go or stay (figuratively) and maybe this will give me time to decide what to do and give me the freedom to figure that out. (thoughts for a different blog)

A friend just recently told me that I was like that guy from Into the Wild...and maybe in a way I am...but it kind of made me sad...I guess I realized that I was going to be hurting people to do this...and that I already had..."so as long as you don't die in a bus somewhere I guess I am happy for you" my friend said.

So to pull together my sanity I will state a few things I am so excited about:

1) no cubicle
2) no make up, deodorant, nail polish, mirrors, etc
3) no tv/media
4) trees for days
5) plenty of dirt and very little showers

And in the face of reality the things I am afraid of:

1) Being constantly afraid
2) Being stranded and delayed due to figuring out how to get into towns or not
3) Getting sick or hurt and having to come home shortly after starting (I get sick all the time...alllll the time)

I have to do the whole thing...I have to. I will...I am going to try so hard...