Conflict

I am working full time for a lumber company.
I find this ironic since I am hoping to spend 6 months living in the woods. I honestly kind of feel a moral dilemma in where I work. Some people at my job don't care about the eco system at all...and this makes me proud to have been nicknamed a tree hugger at my old job. If I am having a bad day I literally feel better when I touch a tree.

I have been making a lot of sacrifices for this AT trip. Moving from friends twice, moving in with my parents, working 2 jobs, and denying myself the possibility of a relationship...and several other factors have caused this to feel heavier...and now my car is shot. I could spend an additional 800 dollars with the 500 dollars I already had to just spend but the problem is my car is old and needs a lot of work...so I really need to get a new car and since I cannot afford to do that right now...and I shouldn't spend money to repair my car it means that now I cannot make the few planned trips I had to visit a few friends without spending a great deal more money then I planned with car rental or bus tickets. I am having a really hard time adjusting to this new blow because in general I am having a hard time being away from so many friends and now I feel like my decisions are affecting others. My friends mean the world to me and now I feel like I am making decisions that are hurting me and hurting other people. I can't get over that...the times I have with certain friends mean everything to me and missing those opportunities hurts so incredibly bad.

So do I keep on trekking on toward this goal? Wouldn't the wiser thing to just skip this and go to grad school or get a job that eventually will pay for my schooling?

I guess my question is how much do you give up or put up with to pursue your dreams?

I miss my friends. I miss the babies I worked with. I miss soccer and climbing...I miss just having a life...

And then I got a surprise gift from one of the sweetest girls I know...Kelly Reece...it was a buff to keep my head and neck warm for my trip.

And despite how hard this time in my life is and how much I am constantly double guessing myself on if I am making the "right" decision...I have been really blessed by people who have been supporting me and surprising me with encouragement and gifts. I have been so blessed by my family in helping me attempt this crazy feat with borrowing cars, getting me gear, and just being willing to support my journey.

Right now my heart is really hurting...but I have to remember that this is for a short time...and this will be a journey of a life time.

Thank you guys for listening and for putting up with my waspishness and my extreme emotions.

Some people have been asking me what is on my gear list still:

Possibly a gortex rain jacket but probably not lol
sleeping pad (I still have to figure out which one I want)
socks/liners
water pump system
maps
lots of food
a wide mouthed water bottle...

Well...that's all for now.